In this passionate episode, I talk about what it meant growing up neutral.
The energy inside the body is neutral. On the surface, there is a game called identity to form type (male-female) and identity of attraction to other (same sex or opposite). The level of form is dual, and how you want to play this is out is a CHOICE. For most, you are not aware of the choice.
Since the 1960s there have been major shifts in consciousness: women rights, black rights, gay rights, and also the shift for more humans to transcend ego (what I call the sum total of your conditionings). In terms of sexuality, we are now seeing the play of consciousness to remember that we are an energy inside the body. We have the technology to be born in a male body yet it can become female and vice versa. Many are exploring what it means to be male-female, and to whom one is attracted, perhaps one, perhaps both, perhaps none.
For myself, since age 3, I always felt neutral inside. Growing up, I had no one to explain what this meant. I saw the male-female dyad as a form of role playing. I searched for a term when I was a teenager, and fell on the word androgynous. Now I am using the label asexual, yet neither define the energy that is inside the body as neutral, an energy that has no desire for sex, sleep, or other (also why I called this podcast beyond asexuality).
In terms of desire, it was an episode on hearing Eckart Tolle, enlightened being, speaking on his pull to the female energy and why he had a partner that I was able to understand my own attraction to the male energy. What happened was that I used a de-hypnosis meditation technique of going back in time. I relived all the relationships I had had, and came to the realization that I was not attracted to any of the men I had gone out with. This was in part due to my body shame from my traumatic past and “taking what I got,” but also led me to an experience when I was 3 of feeling “a pulling of the energy” towards the male energy. On the surface, you see, there is the duality of yin-yang. While I felt a pulling or attraction to the yang energy, at the level of form, I was always able to see beyond the form. I also felt from this young age (the age when mind made its appearance) that everyone was “friend.” I could see the body, and felt attracted to no one, as all were friends, but also attracted to everyone, as each being is a unique expression of consciousness. I could see and was delighted by each one I met, yet I could also understand what is called ego (although at that time I could not express it in words as I am now).
The neutrality to others was noted by many women. I disliked going to what I sarcastically called “the vagina dialogues,” where women would gather to COMPLAIN about their vaginas, sex life, men, and everything else (men do the same, BTW). When asked why I didn’t fantasize about good looking actors, I echoed the reality: I don’t know who that person is! Even before meditation was to be my everyday reality, from my teen days and on I was interested in a being-to-being relationship :)
I mention it briefly here, but listen to my podcast on conscious relationships where I go into depth and ask some questions: Why are you attracted to the body of this other? Why this person and not another? Is it because of characteristics (like a personalized shopping list) that you are seeking, perhaps because you want such qualities? Who is this “I” who has such desire for other, who has a need to be in a relationship, who wants such qualities? What if the other changes, including bodily changes, personality changes, and even in terms of sexuality? When it comes to a conscious relationship: Are you interested in having a being-to-being relationship, with the understanding that there are 2 egos who want to use the relationship to explore the world of form, but also to use the relationship as a way of bringing awareness and presence to ego?
I mention sexuality is an energy, derived from the body via hormones for procreation. However, many are unaware that sex energy is still just energy, and one can feel such “horniness” in the body when there is no stimulus, no thought, no fantasy, or even sexy person around. One can see and feel the sex energy, with no guilt, shame or judgement, and use the energy for creative purposes.
I speak many times of what Osho had said on sexuality, a pioneer in the 1970-1980s after the hippy movement, when he encouraged his disciples to explore their sexuality. He understood the unhappiness of the male-female dyad and encouraged what could be termed polyamory, or no attachment to any relationship. It is a good understanding, as many are identified as male-female with attraction to the opposite sex, yet are also sexually repressed. You can inform yourself about what is considered "normal" behavior according to sex therapists and experts, such as, for example, that many people fantasize about other people besides their partner (even during sex with their partner), and how the fire that is called love dies after a while (true love is actually cool).
I did not mention it, but because of the belief that this person "will be my all and everything," and it is all so new and great in the beginning of the relationship, that this ends up impinging on your sex life. Many see and experience sex as a form of stimulation, yet as with all addictions, sex becomes a form of habituation. You then start trying to vary it up with whips, chains, toys, role playing and other people, but the reason you are “bored” is that the addict (ego) always has a desire for MORE. The very functioning of the ego is what I call OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Dis-ease), When you become aware of the patterns in your relationship (are you going out with the same type of person? fear of being vulnerable? fear of losing the other? to name a few), then you can see why playing the femme fatale, don juan, or being in a run-of-the-mill-garden-variety relationship no longer becomes attractive, and you then start moving into wanting to connect with the being of the other and to explore the energetic connection with other through sex.
I also speak on “falling in love,” a subject which Osho said is a program based on many other programs, such as the prince and princess happily-ever-after story. Osho recommended free love and no attachment, but he never spoke on conscious relationships, which is really bringing awareness to a relationship and deciding what works and what doesn’t work for you. It can take many forms, including going it solo or as a conscious monogamous relationship. I also mention that he said that the person who is happy being by him/herself is the one who can really be in a relationship.
Being in a relationship is what I call the humanness of things: it is a need for belonging (often called loneliness) which you unsubscribe from when you realize you don’t have a need to be with other. However when such a relationship arises, it is a beautiful divine gift that you can fully enjoy. This has been my experience since age 3. Indeed, when the desire to be with other arises in myself, I ask: who is this one who has this desire and from where did this desire arise? I find that the duality of yin-yang can be seen in the division of the mind. When mind entered, I remember the (universal) experience of having an imaginary friend to be the same desire for other: the desire for unity of yin-yang. Osho has said as much, that when yin and yang meet, the circle is complete, and one is said to be enlightened. It is a poetic way of describing the jump that enlightened ones have said, that one goes from the duality of the ego to living as the neutral self inside the body.
I share some stories of my trauma growing up. One of them was getting pregnant during a time when my mother had left my alcoholic father and was now in a dark mood of clinical depression. I was going to school, volunteering at the Y, and had 2 jobs to make ends meet, and it was one of the darkest times in the life situation filled with self-hatred. I felt such guilt and shame for having a life inside that I never wanted. Since age 3, I had never wanted children. I said as much when I was 15, and 10 years later when this incident happened and was asked what would I do to avoid this same situation, I told them flat out I would rather never have children again. Oddly my request was allowed and I had a tubal ligation at 25 (it is a medical procedure that is recommended to be done on women 30+ with at least 2 children). The decision was one I never regretted and the desire not to have children remains.
I end this episode by saying that the reason I share my stories is what I call collecting data. It’s a rather scientific way of saying everyone and everything is here to make you more conscious- there are no teachers, only masters. Perhaps something I share will spark something in you, offer light and awareness in your life’s journey :)
De-hypnosis technique: you must have a certain level of silence to do this meditation. In your meditation, be relaxed and quiet. Sitting or lying down. From the silence, direct your energy to going back through time from where you are now. You are to relive your past, from the point where you are now. You can direct the energy to focusing only on relationships, or in a more general sense where “big” events took place. Go back in time, starting from what happened today, to yesterday, to last week, last month, then continue and allow the energy to show major events, patterns, people, places. The energy is relaxed and is as it is; relive the experiences, but still remain as the witness of the events. You might not be able to get to the beginning of the story of this life when the first memories arose with mind, so you can end the meditation at any time if you feel the energy is getting restless or you need to go and do other things. Before you end, come back to the silence and just rest there for a few minutes to clear away any residual energy from your meditation. You can then repeat this meditation to go further back in time, starting from the point you left off, or simply repeating the same meditation from where you are now in time. If you choose the latter, the events you relived already will come faster, as in a way you already “cleared” those events. Some events may still be salient, and just allow whatever comes up to happen. In doing this technique, you can realize patterns that you might not have seen in the ego, such as with relationships, work, money, or anything else.